Finding a good fit with a psychotherapist has been shown in studies to be the most important factor in determining a successful outcome. To make finding a good fit affordable for you, I offer first sessions at $60.
Please contact me to learn more about Improve Relationships Therapy treatment.
The relationships we had with our parents significantly impact how we view relationships and connection and for some of us, we didn’t learn the skills to work out differences, smooth over difficulties or connect deeply and intimately. For men in particular, who have been getting messages since the beginning that they need to shut down or shut off from emotion, reconnection to the self and learning to hold connection with others is essential to creating the loving, lasting relationships we all deserve. Women often receive the messages that limit their abilities to express and connect.Often anger, power, and agency are discouraged but even feeling in general can be frowned upon.
Therapy is a place where we can work through the parts that are still painful, freeze up, or trigger our sensitivities so that we can come forward in relationships with more confidence, care and ability to foster connection and trust.
Dating & Intimacy Patterns
Perhaps you keep finding yourself dating the same type of person (with the same unsatisfying result) or notice that you have become quite adept at never finding anyone who’s quite right. It might have been easier when you were younger to brush it off but now you are starting to wonder (or perhaps you have figured it out) that some part of this painful pattern is you. For a while it might have seemed that you were just selective or had high standards, but now that years have gone by and nobody fits the bill, it’s probably time to look at what’s going on.
Maybe you have great friendships but dating life seems like being on another planet. Add in some gender training and expectations, shifts in dating over the last generation, the incredible ease by which we can now end a relationship at the literal touch of a button and you’ve got a pretty good recipe for difficulty and ambivalence. Even if what we want is vulnerability and connection, figuring out how to ask for and establish safety and foster the kind of connection we want is challenging.
Most of us have gaps in our ability to clearly and confidently articulate our wants and needs in ways that others want to meet them. However, learning how to fully move through a cycle of needs can make a profound difference in how we experience our connection with others. For many of us, the gap is right at the beginning- we have trouble accessing ourselves or what we need from others. Try this test: Ask yourself, when I feel hurt, scared, or even joyful, am I able to let myself feel those things and let who I’m with know what is going on for me and what I need from them?
What Do I Need? For some it even seems ludicrous or humiliating to acknowledge that we even have needs! Many people got the message growing up that it wasn’t safe for them to have certain needs and they have carried that forward into adulthood- for some, even just the thought of accessing their own needs is overwhelming, painful, or too dangerous to even consider so instead we focus on a partner, our work, or anything except ourselves.
Let Me Tell You.The next place it is common to have a gap is in the ability to articulate what we are feeling to others. This might seem like a very therapist-y thing to say but in the realm of dating, where chemicals are flowing and you are hanging on each other’s every word, it is crucial that we be able to bring forward what’s happening both to build a solid positive foundation as well as avoid miscommunications.
The Good. Perhaps surprisingly, many people have a gap in their ability to come forward with the good feelings they are experiencing. Research done by the great couple’s researchers John and Julie Gottman has show that 5:1 is about the minimum of positive statements necessary for a relationship to survive. I”m sure that when you think about this abstractly, it seems obvious that we’d want to be in a relationship where we felt positively about the other person, yet when it comes to that moment to tell someone that we like them or that they made us feel really good, fear of rejection, abandonment, or just discomfort with being so exposed and vulnerable can feel really scary.
The Bad. On the other side, when someone is doing something we don’t like or just missing something that we need, for some it can seem easier to either abandon ourselves and take what we can get while resentment or depression builds, or write off the whole relationship rather than take the risk of asking and being rejected or abandoned.
The Still Really Hard. For those of us that had trauma and wounding in either our homes or in previous relationships, intimacy can trigger intense feelings and pain in a major way. It is common to think that we have worked through our passed trauma or grief, only to be shocked and often surprised at how intensely and unexpectedly it can resurface. Perhaps you have tried with all of your might to ignore, push down, minimize, look past or swallow what’s going on but hiding parts of yourself from a partner probably won’t lead you to the open and supportive relationship you’re really longing for.
Can You Help? There are so many perceived reasons why we would not ask a partner if they would be willing to help us meet a need that I will just provide a couple and show why in each case it is still really unavoidable if you want solid relationships.
They might say no. True. In which case you don’t have guess, cajole, manipulate or work on any other maneuver for trying to get this need met from this person. You want deep meaningful conversations and you asked and they said, “no, I’m not interested in talking for long periods of time, I’m interested in sharing physical activities as a way to feel close.” Great, now you know and you can decide whether you can get that need met from someone else or if it isn’t going to work out long term.
They might think I am weird or shame me. True, they might. And there’s no getting around the fact that this it is painful and humiliating to be shamed for something dear to us. So now you know a lot about your partner! You know that they are the kind of person that is going to shame you and bully you for asking for what you need, don’t have space for your needs, and aren’t really able to talk about it in a nonviolent way. Great, now you don’t have to guess– this person is not available to meet your needs and you get to decide if you want to help them fill in their gap.
They might see me as needy or demanding. True! This could be because they got messages to that effect as a child and still haven’t seen good modeling. It could also be that they aren’t able to tolerate, engage, or support another– all good things to know. And then of course, it could be about the way you are asking. Often, because we didn’t get good modeling growing up, the way we ask to have our needs met can make it hard for others to want to meet them. We might have learned that bullying, criticizing, hinting, threatening, collapsing, or demanding were effective in talking to parents or siblings but now they aren’t and it’s time to figure out how to do something different.
Friendships & Family
While some family ties have a natural and easy fit, for many, it is those that are closest to us or who we would like to be closest to that can feel the furthest away or hardest to reach. A difficult or painful relationship with a parent or family member can be a source of heartache and loss throughout our lives. When that relationship is with our parents, it may seem like there are different “sides” inside, fighting with each other over how to “get over” how we feel or pressing us to move forward or let go of past hurts, though when we try it is is with a sense that something is not quite right or missing. If abuse has occurred, it is especially common for an “adult” part of us to dismiss, discourage, or ignore the ways we may still feel. The thinking might be, “What good is it to feel that way now?” And that’s a great question, leading you toward greater integration, peace and healing. If you are interested in changing your dynamic with a loved one or family member in real time, you can read about my work with families here
Superficial or unsatisfying friendships can leave us feeling even lonelier than if we’d just stayed home. Do drinking or drugs feel like a necessary part of interacting? How do we even meet people if it isn’t through work, dating, or at the bar? How can we create the closeness and warmth we long for? For some, making initial connections could be easy but they never lead to anything lasting. Figuring out how to get past initial contact to form a friendship can be really challenging and mysterious. For others, there may be a “line” of intimacy that no one is able to get past and while this has kept you safe, it has also kept people at a distance and caused a fair amount of suffering for you and others. Perhaps you can’t even remember the last time you met what you would call a close friend. It seemed so easy when we were younger…
For most of us, friends and family make up a big part of how supported and loved we feel in the world. They are the people we turn to when we need help, gain support, and bring us energy. They bring richness and joy and share their lives with us. At least that is how they are in their best moments and how we would like them to be. Through learning skills that support connection, understanding our role in the dynamics we create and figuring out where we get stuck or triggered, they can be. While all of these situations can be discouraging, we can work with how you relate to these relationships and build the skills to:
- feel steadier and confident in personal relationships
- become activated or triggered less often
- learn how to ask for and look for the kind of connections we want
- feel supported and nourished
- be a better friend
Professional Relationships and Working with Teams or Groups
While a major component of lifelong happiness is tied to our work, nearly none of us receive training in how to navigate our work relationships successfully. Even if you went to the best accounting or engineering program, you probably weren’t given much support on how to work effectively in professional relationships even though you might be spending more of your day with them then your family! Cross-cultural differences can make fitting in and adopting the company culture feel difficult. For those who have far out performed our parents, learning to negotiate and a new social class can be confusing and alienating, bringing up pain we didn’t even know was there until an accomplishment or opportunity brought up fear or sadness instead of excitement. Even if we are excellent at our work, a big part of most jobs involves being able to effectively communicate, work with colleagues we may or may not know well at all, and manage challenging personalities, whether they are the boss or the client. Unlike our personal relationships, there is generally an expectation that the way you are getting along won’t be discussed unless there is a problem and by then the stakes are pretty high and hard to recover from. Yikes. While it certainly can be helpful to discuss these issues with friends or a spouse, there is no substitute for learning real skills and techniques to navigate and move forward