Finding a good fit with a psychotherapist has been shown in studies to be the most important factor in determining a successful outcome. To make finding a good fit affordable for you, I offer first sessions at $60.
Please contact me to learn more about Break-ups, Relationships, & Intimacy treatment.
Maybe you have great friendships but dating life seems like being on another planet. Add in some gender training and expectations, shifts in dating over the last generation, the incredible ease by which we can now end a relationship at the literal touch of a button and you’ve got a pretty good recipe for difficulty and ambivalence. Even if what we want is vulnerability and connection, figuring out how to ask for and establish safety and foster the kind of connection we want is challenging.
Most of us have gaps in our ability to clearly and confidently articulate our wants and needs in ways that others want to meet them. However, learning how to fully move through a cycle of needs can make a profound difference in how we experience our connection with others. For many of us, the gap is right at the beginning- we have trouble accessing ourselves or what we need from others. Try this test:
Ask yourself, when I feel hurt, scared, or even joyful, am I able to let myself feel those things and let who I’m with know what is going on for me and what I need from them?
What Do I Need? For some it even seems ludicrous or humiliating to acknowledge that we even have needs! Many people got the message growing up that it wasn’t safe for them to have certain needs and they have carried that forward into adulthood- for some, even just the thought of accessing their own needs is overwhelming, painful, or too dangerous to even consider so instead we focus on a partner, our work, or anything except ourselves.
Let Me Tell You.The next place it is common to have a gap is in the ability to articulate what we are feeling to others. This might seem like a very therapist-y thing to say but in the realm of dating, where chemicals are flowing and you are hanging on each other’s every word, it is crucial that we be able to bring forward what’s happening both to build a solid positive foundation as well as avoid miscommunications.
The Good. Perhaps surprisingly, many people have a gap in their ability to come forward with the good feelings they are experiencing. Research done by the great couple’s researchers John and Julie Gottman has show that 5:1 is about the minimum of positive statements necessary for a relationship to survive. I”m sure that when you think about this abstractly, it seems obvious that we’d want to be in a relationship where we felt positively about the other person, yet when it comes to that moment to tell someone that we like them or that they made us feel really good, fear of rejection, abandonment, or just discomfort with being so exposed and vulnerable can feel really scary.
The Bad. On the other side, when someone is doing something we don’t like or just missing something that we need, for some it can seem easier to either abandon ourselves and take what we can get while resentment or depression builds, or write off the whole relationship rather than take the risk of asking and being rejected or abandoned.
The Still Really Hard. For those of us that had trauma and wounding in either our homes or in previous relationships, intimacy can trigger intense feelings and pain in a major way. It is common to think that we have worked through our passed trauma or grief, only to be shocked and often surprised at how intensely and unexpectedly it can resurface. Perhaps you have tried with all of your might to ignore, push down, minimize, look past or swallow what’s going on but hiding parts of yourself from a partner probably won’t lead you to the open and supportive relationship you’re really longing for.
Can you help me, please?
There are so many perceived reasons why we would not ask a partner if they would be willing to help us meet a need that I will just provide a couple and show why in each case it is still really unavoidable if you want solid relationships.
They might say no.
True. In which case you don’t have guess, cajole, manipulate or work on any other maneuver for trying to get this need met from this person. You want deep meaningful conversations and you asked and they said, “no, I’m not interested in talking for long periods of time, I’m interested in sharing physical activities as a way to feel close.” Great, now you know and you can decide whether you can get that need met from someone else or if it isn’t going to work out long term.
They might think I am weird or shame me.
True, they might. And there’s no getting around the fact that this it is painful and humiliating to be shamed for something dear to us. So now you know a lot about your partner! You know that they are the kind of person that is going to shame you and bully you for asking for what you need, don’t have space for your needs, and aren’t really able to talk about it in a nonviolent way. Great, now you don’t have to guess– this person is not available to meet your needs and you get to decide if you want to help them fill in their gap.
They might see me as needy or demanding.
True! This could be because they got messages to that effect as a child and still haven’t seen good modeling. It could also be that they aren’t able to tolerate, engage, or support another– all good things to know. And then of course, it could be about the way you are asking. Often, because we didn’t get good modeling growing up, the way we ask to have our needs met can make it hard for others to want to meet them. We might have learned that bullying, criticizing, hinting, threatening, collapsing, or demanding were effective in talking to parents or siblings but now they aren’t and it’s time to figure out how to do something different.